I had a mini-meltdown yesterday. However, you have to understand before reading my post that, at the end of the day, I’m truly grateful for how things are, even if they were not what I expected.
I’m pregnant with my first child. From the beginning, I was prepared to do everything right, to give a healthy start to my baby: I quit smoking, I quit drinking, I quit sushi…We started re-thinking our jobs to find the best solutions for our baby’s future: that’s when we launched the Rawr Academy shop. I went to all my appointments, I took all the necessary vitamins, and I stayed active by walking to and from work.
Then, when we told our families about the baby, there was an outpour of generosity. We had bags of baby clothes stored for us, we had parents buying us strollers, cribs, bouncers, rockers; stocking up on diapers for us, starting RRSP funds… We had so many baby items offered to us, I couldn’t even keep track of all of it anymore. I never expected so much beyond my dreams.
But then yesterday, it hit me. I was browsing through Zulily (because I loves meself a good deal), and found the portable high chair I wanted on sale. The hubby quickly reminded me that we didn’t need to buy anything at all, and for some reason, that made me sad. I felt like I was missing out on the fun part of shopping and preparing for baby. I expected to be able to choose every piece of item that was going to touch my baby. I was ready to nest! But I didn’t feel like I was “allowed” to walk into a store and find cute baby items. It felt wrong to “wait” for others to maybe offer us the things we want. It’s an awkward feeling I’m not used to. There is a practical side to me who knows and fully understands that “cute baby items” cost money, and that we simply can’t afford to blow money right now.
I know there are tons of things left for me to prepare for the baby, and not buying baby items myself is a very silly reason to be upset about (and to cry about in the subway during rush hour.) I think a part of me doesn’t feel like this whole baby thing is real unless I was actively doing something for the baby. Right now, I just feel like an oven, waiting for my bun to cook.
To be honest, I’m so grateful for everyone’s generosity that it’s almost unbelievable. There’s still a cynical part of me that thinks: “Pshh, sure they SAID they were going to give us that, but I bet they’ll pretend to forget. And of course, we can’t demand them to give it to us!” Anyway, these are all feelings I didn’t expect to feel. I’m usually much more pragmatic about situations like these. I blame the hormones.